darren lee (dee) miller

I came out as genderqueer (i.e., nonbinary) in my late forties, a beautiful, self-affirming, gender-euphoric step in my life’s journey. I’m not fond of the term “nonbinary” because I dislike defining myself by what I am not. Instead, I simply call myself “queer.” For me, this means that terms like masculine, feminine, homo- or heterosexual are not sufficient to describe me, and my identity doesn’t fit within traditional binaries — it exists outside them entirely. And although I find acronyms to be quite reductive, if it helps then you can think of me as the Q in 2SLGBTQIA+.

When I came out to my mom she said, “I understand, but being open about your gender is going to make your life more difficult. People are not accepting. You should keep it to yourself.” I get where she’s coming from. Passing is a privilege I take advantage of almost every day. Over the years I’ve received any number of offensive, threatening emails via my website; however, (re)closeting myself has never felt like an option. I know that people assume I’m a man because of how I look, but being honest about who I am is more about me being able to look in the mirror without regret. Sex and gender are not the same thing, and neither is so cut and dry.

If you disagree, then consider my college friend who was born with only one X chromosome and no corresponding X or Y. She was assigned female at birth (AFAB), socialized as a girl, and identifies now as a woman. But without gender-affirming care in the form of hormone replacement therapy she never would have developed the secondary sex characteristics we associate with adult females. Or consider my friend who has two vaginas and two separate uteruses. Or the almost 2% of human beings who are born intersex, with anatomy, reproductive organs, hormonal patterns and/or chromosomal patterns that do not fit typical binary notions of male or female bodies.

All of these beautiful natural variations of biological sex are “normal.” And because gender is a cultural construction that may relate to sex but is not defined by it, humanity’s infinite gender expressions are, in my opinion, ecstatic articulations of what some might call the divine. In other words, if our corpus can exhibit so much natural variation, why would anyone presume that the neurology of our cerebrum, cerebellum and other brain components (that which allows us to perceive our environment) would be any less diverse, especially since neuroscience has proved it true? But of course, the word “diverse” has recently been banned by our federal government.

As I dive further into writing this essay I need to establish an important caveat: I’m speaking only for myself, not “the nonbinary community,” whatever that is. My friends and family are trying to be supportive, but some are confused. My stepsister and her mom recently said, “I know your pronouns and preferred name, but I struggle to remember them when I’m speaking. I want to respect your wishes, but I need you to help me.” When I asked how, they had no concrete suggestions.

Maybe they need help with singular “they/them” pronouns, so I explain: English already accommodates this. For example, “Who is that over there? Do you know them?” Or, specific to me: “Dee is an artist. They’ve been practicing for many years, and I’ll visit them in their studio soon.”

Hearing others use they/them pronouns and my name, dee, feels more accurate than Darren Lee, he, or she. If that’s the help you need, here it is: Call me dee. Use they/them pronouns when referring to me in the third person. If you truly want to support me, correct others when they get it wrong. Don’t cave to social discomfort. Don’t dismiss my experience for the sake of a frictionless interaction with a person who has a bigoted attitude. Don’t undermine me.

I understand that changing long-held habits takes effort. I’ve had to unlearn my own conditioning. That’s why I don’t correct people more than a few times. But I suspect the help my stepmom and stepsister are seeking goes beyond grammar. Language can harm or heal, and identity can complete or confine us, especially when labels are imposed rather than chosen. Terminology evolves, and people find new ways to articulate their reality. As my mom put it, “I think every generation finds a new way to talk about things.”

Some may avoid my pronouns for fear of making mistakes. That’s understandable: language is dynamic. But too often, resistance is rooted in something more insidious, and this reluctance now fuels harmful policies. Federal employees have been ordered to remove pronouns from email signatures. Protections against gender-based discrimination are being rolled back. Federal websites have erased “TQIA+” from LGBTQIA+ identifiers, reducing us to “LGB.” (Also, notice the omission of 2S). State-issued identifications are either being returned to trans people with the wrong gender marker, or withheld indefinitely. These erasures have real, structural consequences for trans people and do nothing to make eggs, housing, or health care more affordable.

I’ve also faced pushback from older, white, cisgender gay men who resent no longer being “the most marginalized.” The truth is, they never were. Some react poorly to critique from younger queers, trans people, and people of color. A few years ago, a gay colleague asked, “So, you’re becoming nonbinary now?” I replied, “I’m finally acknowledging what has always been true. Am I not androgynous enough to fit your preconceived notion of what a gender nonconforming person should look like?”

Being called out can feel uncomfortable, but that discomfort is internal. Projecting it outward is what harms others. It’s more important to avoid doing harm than to avoid feeling uncomfortable. Reflection is necessary. So, to my fellow 2SLGBTQIA+ folks, let’s check our own internalized phobias instead of externalizing onto others.

For years, misinformation about gender-affirming care has fueled a backlash against public health efforts and is now enabling government censorship of academic and medical research. There is a literal list of banned words. The far right — a persistent threat to democracy — has weaponized trans identities in a fabricated culture war, pushing false narratives about trans people in sports, locker rooms, bathrooms, classrooms, and the work place.

They are manufacturing these culture wars to distract from what they are actually doing: dismantling democratic governance so they can consolidate power and steal from middle-class and poor folks in order to further enrich themselves. Trans people make up less than 1% of the population, yet politicians exploit them (us?) as scapegoats. If you’re not scared by now, then you’re under-reacting. Any group can become the next target of a manufactured panic, and erasing people based on identity requires a violent apparatus that can be used against anyone, for any reason.

It took me a long time to realize that all the things people say — whether kind or cruel — are useful. Even derision and name-calling, though painful, reveal something: someone else’s shame, pain, or insecurity. That can be an opportunity to reach out, listen, or suggest counseling. I prefer dialogue, but as a last resort I’m more prepared than ever to exercise my Second Amendment rights.

If you’re still reading and wondering how to support me, then I want to offer a redirect. Thank’s for your concern but this is way bigger than just me. Or you. We have been forced to choose between autocracy and democracy. If we want to select the latter, then we must: SPEAK UP. RESIST. SIT-IN. PROTEST. BOYCOTT. SHUT SHIT DOWN. BE A VERY LOUD PAIN IN THE ASS! If you’re able-bodied and retired (i.e. you don’t have to show up at work everyday), then you should be out in the streets and in front of your elected officials. Writing and calling your representatives is the bare minimum.

Do not retreat into your privilege. If you’re straight, white, wealthy, male, and have no problem bowing to a dictator, then this authoritarian attempt to denationalize and erase the right of certain people to have rights may not affect you directly. But you should still stand up to demand a change of course because human rights are for all people. You might think this isn’t your fight, but if you’re an immigrant, a woman, or a free-thinker then it is.

Just because they’re coming for trans folks today doesn’t mean they won’t come for you tomorrow. Our lives (yours and mine) are on the line. Already, women in our country no longer have bodily autonomy. Soon, marriage equality may be overturned. A bill has just been proposed in Texas that would make being trans a felony. And a legal US resident has been arrested and detained for deportation simply for exercising his First Amendment rights.

Staying quiet won’t keep us safe. Keeping your head down is just another form of complicity. I know that “going stealth” is sometimes a necessary survival tactic, but hiding in the closet will eventually eat you from within. We can only put a stop to this if we unite in opposition. We must demand that our leaders unite to uphold the rule of law to protect us from tyranny.

It’s been disappointing (but understandable) to watch so many of our university presidents cowering and acquiescing preemptively to authoritarian demands. It should be clear as ever that weak corporatism is no bulwark against a rightward shift that seeks to upend legal precedent going all the way back to the Magna Carta. Of course fighting against this is already an integral part of every curriculum, regardless of subject or discipline. May we never lose sight of it!

If we are to make lemonade from these lemons, then we could choose to see this crisis as an opportunity to form broad coalitions of cooperation. While I think we will agree that the managerial economics of neoliberalism did not serve the vast majority of citizens in the rich-western world very well – least of all underprivileged Americans – I hope we will also agree that tyranny is not the alternative you voted for.

If I’ve written this for a specific audience, it is probably first of all for my step-brothers, Doug and Steve. Y’all both please reach out if you feel I have the right to exist. If you feel otherwise, then I wish you peace and ask you to let me know in a reply that is as polite as you can manage. Other folks I would love to hear an affirmation of love from: any of my mom’s legion of cousins; old friends and lovers; former colleagues and classmates. Let’s stay in touch outside of the metaverse. I can be contacted via my website (which is where you are right now).

In his recent Instagram post, the artist known as Dread Scott asks the right questions beginning with, “What if the fascists were more scared of the people than we are currently scared of the fascists?” Appeasement isn’t an option. That didn’t work for queers, Roma, and Jews in 1930s Europe, and it won’t work for any of us in America today either.